Anecdotes., Uncategorized

I am never drinking again.

I swear to the fricking cosmos, I will never touch alcohol again in my life.

You know on the last post I was all like,

Via buzznet.com

Via buzznet.com

Well, I did.

And holy moley do I regret it.

It’s not just the aftermath that I hate.

At the party, I was going back into the house and I tripped over the threshold.

Now, this wasn’t just some minor slip.

I really fell.

Like, a combination of:

Via quirkbooks.com

Via quirkbooks.com

and

FALLOVER

Aaaand now my left palm and my whole fricking kneecap is black and blue.

FANTASTIC.

And I’m pretty sure I did some inappropriate dancing with some other drunk people.

Too much peach schnapps/beer/spirits/life.

I can’t even think about it eurgh.

I really hope no one remembers this.

So then I got picked up, and we gave my friend a lift home.

He and I were both past the milestone of being heavily intoxicated.

Aaaand we had to make pseudo-sober smalltalk with le mother in the car.

He was actually really good at pretending he was sober.

I just kept giggling.

LIKE AN IDIOT.

So we dropped him off, all was well, I got home, went straight to bed thinking, “YAH, I’LL SLEEP THIS MOTHAFOWKAH OHFF N I’LL BE PERF 2MOZ” (that’s my drunk voice btw.)

I went to bed feeling like I was going to puke.

AND GUESS WHAT.

I woke up at 4am next to a load of puke on my pillow.

FAB.
JUST FAB.
YOU REALLY OUTDID YOURSELF THIS TIME, ZAE, YEAH, YOU DID.

So my mum, being the saint she is, got up at the ungodly hour it was and changed the sheets on my bed and got me a glass of water.

I spent the following day and a half turning my stomach inside out.

I can’t even think about alcohol without feeling BLEURGHGGHGHAASDAGDHJKL anymore.

I’m never fricking drinking again.

Ever.

 

 

 

I think.

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Anecdotes., Uncategorized

Best Friend’s New Boyfriend: A Tale In Supernatural Gifs

Right.

The bestfriend, P, has obtained a boy.

I learned that they were a thing a while ago.

First reaction?

Via buzzfeed.com

Via buzzfeed.com

And then:

Via buzzfeed.com

Via buzzfeed.com

I know the guy.

He’s nice.

So I talked to him at a party a few days ago about P.

I began with the intimidation card; hurt my best friend and I’ll pee on everything you love, etc.

Kind of like:

Via sabatofamily.blogspot.com

Via sabatofamily.blogspot.com

Buuuuut then a load of drunken people came running through like:

Via pinterest.com

Via pinterest.com

So that didn’t really have any cred from the jump.

Plus he’s like 5’10 and I’m basically a hobbit so it didn’t really have much effect.

So I tried the nonchalant, casual conversation approach to try and weedle some info from him.

My attempt at casual =

Via buzzfeed.com

Via buzzfeed.com

I am an idiot.

Buuuut he was being very cute about P.

I was trying not to explode with happiness.

I most probably looked like I was in excruciating pain.

Or really needed to go to the loo.

He actually asked if I was okay at one point.

Me:

Via prettylittlereader.com

Via prettylittlereader.com

But overall, I was like:

Via hakuyowaneforlife.deviantart.com

Via hakuyowaneforlife.deviantart.com

So all is good.

I told P later that I had been talking to le guy.

I gave her the lowdown on what was said.

My face the whole way through:

Via buzzfeed.com

Via buzzfeed.com

Subtitles: AAAAAAAAAAYY

Ahem.

So the next time I saw them with each other, I literally ran around like:

Via zephyrante.tumblr.com

Via zephyrante.tumblr.com

I’m such a dork.

The general reaction to this was along the lines of:

Via uncyclopedia.wikia.com

Via uncyclopedia.wikia.com

And this, fair reader, is when the revelation came upon me.

I have officially lost my wingwoman.

I realised I would, from now on, be…

THE THIRD WHEEL
Via buzzfeed.com

Via buzzfeed.com

GODDAMMIT.

And seeing as I am going to a party tonight, there is only one solution.

The end of the road.

The last resort.

No other choice.

To drown my sorrows…

Via buzznet.com

Via buzznet.com

I have a feeling many post-worthy events will occur.

Wish me luck…

IZAEZEL OUT

XX

 

 

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Uncategorized

The Pipe Dream Playlist

It’s pretty clear from that last post that I need a good slap in the face with a wet salmon and to be told to man the f*ck up.

Bleurgh.

So, I decided to make a playlist of optimism in an attempt at instigating a resurgence in good-mood-osity.

It’s not necessarily an amphetamine-fuelled slaphappy group of songs, but it’s enough.

And as you can see from the post title, it’s called the Pipe Dream Playlist:

  • Help Me Lose My Mind — Disclosure
  • Stay With Me — Sam Smith
  • Always Like This — Bombay Bicycle Club
  • Keep Your Head Up — Ben Howard
  • Ocean — John Butler
  • Bluebird — Foals
  • Budapest — George Ezra
  • Miami — Foals
  • Amsterdam — Imagine Dragons
  • Thorns — Charlie Simpson
  • Pyro — Kings of Leon
  • Drive Darling — Boy
  • If I Go –– Ella Eyre
  • A Sky Full Of Stars — Coldplay
  • Radioactive — Kings of Leon
  • Milk & Black Spiders — Foals (This song never ever fails to make me happy – the last two and a half minutes are heaven)
  • Ships In The Night — Mat Kearney
  • Deeper — Ella Eyre

Enjoy!

— Izaezel

XX

 

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Uncategorized

Damned Teenage Ambivalence.

Right, okay.

F*ck I’m bad at this.

I’m in two minds about everything right now.

It’s as if I want myself to be in these positions.

This post is going to go down like a confession.

I’m going to be utterly artless and declarative about this, because otherwise I may just start to implode.

I like a guy, codename J. I went to a party a few days ago. He had told me last week that he couldn’t go. He turned up for an hour at the start to show his face. We spoke about 4 words to each other. He left. Fine. I won’t see him for another month or so, now. Fab.

People got drunk. I was bordering on tipsy. The basic synopsis of the rest of the night is that my friend, a guy, codename W, was being close. We were hugging, arms around each other, holding hands, he was kissing my head/cheek etc.

I saw W on Friday with a girl. Looking like a couple.

My friend likes W.

And the only thing I know is that I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I may have inadvertently caused collateral.

FURTHERMORE:

Body image is down the pan.

Confidence, as a consequence, is eliminated.

Appetite is gone.

Optimism is absent.

I can feel it creeping up on me again, pressing out from inside my ribs. It’s that weight in the back of my mind, the heaviness in my limbs, that fucking cloud of nihilism that pulls my whole mind into a state of permanent existential crisis, a condition that any activity or superficial physical distraction can only temporarily repress.

Fuck.

Why am I even trying to describe this?

Just listen:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUhz5gHGaLs

 

I’m sorry.

Sorry for this post.

I needed to let it go.

This is my shitty attempt at resolution.

Am I a bad person?

None of this is what I wanted.

Would it be stupid to ask for a sign?

Hell, I’m not feeling human at the moment.

I’m sorry.

Fuck.

Please believe me.

I’m sorry.

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Anecdotes.

Swat Ninja.

Okay, this post is a measure of how lacking in sanity I am.

It was 11pm, and I was dumb enough to turn my light on and have my window open at the same time.

Then a moth the size of a flipping poker chip flew in.

I hate moths.

I’m not scared of them, I just hate them.

They’re just so…

Source: reddit.com

Source: reddit.com

(Michelle Obama is amazing. End.)

And I’m not squeamish.

I think it’s the flutteriness…

EURGH.

Anyway.

So I was faced with a predicament because I wanted to go to sleep at this point, and I was not about to chuck myself into unconsciousness when there was a chance of this thing flying up my nose or whatever.

And I get grouchy when I’m tired.

This moth was standing between me and sleep.

Therefore, this moth had to be terminated.

I armed myself with a flyswat and began the approach.

It was on the wall.

I had it.

Then, with a brief yuck-flutter, it landed slap-bang on my Fault In Our Stars poster.

Right on Ansel Elgort’s schnoz.

(That’s a nose for anyone who doesn’t speak Izaelien.)

I am protective of this poster.

Thus, this moth just made an act of war.

And, I (out loud, full of rage) said, “Oh, it’s on, bitch”, looking like,

Source: memecrunch.com

Source: memecrunch.com

So I chivvied it off the poster (I couldn’t bring myself to splat it all over Ansel Elgort’s beautiful face. Potaple will understand) and I managed to semi-swat it in the air.

It fell down the back of my bedside table. Pulling the table out of the way, I saw that the moth was still moving, but slowly.

Again, out loud, I said, Aha! I have you now, fiend!”

I am ashamed to know me.

I managed to squish it and dispense of it after wrapping it in a zillion tissues to make sure it wouldn’t magically reanimate and invade my nostrils in the night.

Genuinely.

I think I am insane.

But nevertheless.

You can call me:

Swat Ninja, Vanquisher of Moths and Liberator of the Bedroom Realm, Defender of Sleep and Wielder of Swatness.

XX

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Uncategorized

Infamous Prefect Weekend *dramatic music*

So, this is the post you’ve all (not) been waiting for…

It’s here.

It’s…
THE PREFECT WEEKEND POST

*BUHHH BUHHH BUUUUUUUUUHHHHHH*
Source: memecrunch.com

Source: memecrunch.com

Whoa.

HEALTH-WARNING: This post is helluh-long, so if you are in danger of:

  1. Needing to pee
  2. Getting peckish
  3. Becoming thirsty
  4. Getting bored

Then relieve your bladder, grab some nibbles and a beverage and put on your 3D glasses now (not all at once. That could be dangerous.)

Just saying.

Mega-essay over here.

Totally worth it though. I laughed at my own jokes.

First off:

Phase 1: THE PREP
So, I thought it was going to be the relatively simple task of just taking some old jogger trousers, old trainers and t shirts.

How wrong I was.

It was like a military operation in my household, my mum giving me torches, disinfectant, repellent, head-to-toe waterproofs, bin bags, safety glow sticks (wtf who even has them outside of Spy Kids) and all but a bloody grenade to protect myself against existence. If there was to be a viral outbreak or a zombie invasion, I was your gal.

Phase 2: THE JOURNEY
So it started off as I expected. We congregated in the school café before hauling our multitude of suitcases onto the coach (seriously though I could have probably had a goddamn party in some people’s bags – they were huge. How long are planning to stay? A fricking year?!)

I sat by two girls I vaguely knew and we decided to be in a tent together. Then we proceeded to debate whether butternut squashes are a fruit or a vegetable (any help here anyone…?!).

Pretty standard.

Phase 3: THE ACTIVITIES, DAY 1
We got there and pitched tents (ours looked a bit tipsy – we didn’t bother to check the ground to see if it was level. Oops.) Then we were split into 3 groups of 10, named after Harry Potter houses (I was in Slytherin WOOP)

So then we walked to a massive shipping container that had all the equipment in it (helmets, climbing harnesses) and began to get ready.

Now, young padawan, let me describe the scene for you.

These aforementioned harnesses are of the full-body type, so they go around your shoulders, over your back, like so:

Source: peaksupplycompany.com

Source: peaksupplycompany.com

If you look, they also go right up the inside leg of your crotch.

Tightly.

Now, we all did Sex Ed. We know that mannequin hasn’t got any junk if you know what I mean.

But, you see, the 17-year-old boys we were with?

They do.

You see what I’m getting at?

Harness + male anatomy = THE SINGLE-MOST AWKWARD THING I HAVE EVER HAD TO NOT LOOK AT.

One girl very eloquently summarised the situation later in the girls’ shower room: “You’re not looking, you know you can’t, you know you don’t want to. But it’s just there. Like… like the elephant trunk in the room.”

Genius.

So anyway, the first activities were high ropes. I love heights, so I was like:

Source: diylol.com

Source: diylol.com

There were a load different things to do, like climb up a telegraph pole and balance on top of it, a team race up a Jacob’s ladder, a king swing…

It was great.

Apart from if you fell. Then all your weight is on the harness.

And man, that stung.

But anyhow.
Here starts the real embarrassment.

Phase 3.5: THE SWAMP

After the high ropes, we were beckoned towards a rather suspicious looking rope swing.

That happened to be positioned over a swamp.

And then, rather casually, the instructors said: “Okay, now you have to get your team of ten people across the swamp onto a tractor tire in the middle.”

Commonly translated into normal speak as: “Okay, now magically transform all of your physically inept teammates into Neo from The Matrix and double backflip onto this platform the size of a two pence piece in the middle of this swamp infested with crocodiles and flesh-eating piranhas.”

So naturally, I was like:

Source: diylol.com

Source: diylol.com

And, in-keeping with Sod’s Law, my group was picked first.

We got about seven people on fine.

Then it was my turn. I swung on and so very nearly slipped.

After a bit of hasty grabbing of limbs, we were all intact apart from a foot-dunk in the drink.

At this point, we were all holding onto each other for dear life, and I definitely felt a hand on my boob.

And if I hadn’t been at risk of falling into a stinking swamp, I would’ve been like:

Source: quickmeme.com

Source: quickmeme.com

But I saw it as a proportional sacrifice. Plus the guy was pretty hot as well so that ameliorates the situation

Ahem.

So then there were eight.

Aaaand that’s when the ninth came in (literally) like a fricking wrecking ball.

We all fell, in true cartoon fashion, into the swamp.

And it stank.

I was literally like:

Source: sodahead.com

Source: sodahead.com

Oh, did I mention all of the other prefects and my teachers were watching?

Goddammit.

Our team all had to go and shower in our clothes.

The rest of the evening was better, though.

A lot of people went down to the pub to watch the England game, but I and about six other people stayed and set a campfire, made smores and played card games for a few hours.

That was probably the highlight of the trip.

After everyone came back, we played Boys v Girls Capture The Flag (we won because we tied our flag to the rope swing over the swamp) and finally hit the sack around 1am.

Phase 4: THE ACTIVITIES, DAY 2

We all found out something new that morning: a result of using muscles you didn’t know existed + sleeping on rock solid ground =

Source: troll.me

Source: troll.me

Literally.

We had breakfast, packed up tents and shiz and began the morning activities: problem solving.

It basically comprised of things like using beams to get across a ‘flaming lava pit’ (i.e. a square of grass), and a blind-folded obstacle course.

It was okay.

I think I was probably too tired to pay much attention or summon up a damn to give.

Then we packed up on the coach and went to another facility to do raft building.

Raft building.

I really was not looking forward to this.

We basically had to make something that would hold 5 people with nothing but 6 wooden planks, 6 oil barrels and some rope.

We took the advice of our instructor, naturally.

Source: gamemoir.com

Source: gamemoir.com

Our team’s looked alright until we got it on the lake.

Well, unless a raft should sit at a 45º angle on the water.

What’s worse is that the instructor that told us to do it like we had was travelling next to us on a fricking speedboat.

So by the time we got to the middle of the lake, most of the team were like:

Source: gifcentral.blogspot.com

Source: gifcentral.blogspot.com

But we all just jumped in the lake anyway, so it didn’t really matter in the end.

We then sunbathed for a while before getting picked up, and I literally collapsed after I got home.

I’m pretty sure I died and came back.

Aaaaaand THAT is all folks.

If you’ve reached this point, I am:

  1. Shocked.
  2. Grateful, and
  3. will pay you back in cookies and gifs.
Source: disneycreate.wikia.com

Source: disneycreate.wikia.com

Source: pandawhale.com

Source: pandawhale.com

Hope you enjoyed!

IZAEZEL HAS LEFT THE BUILDING

XX

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