This was a shopping excursion with me and my mother.
It was bound for chaos from the outset.
We went to Costco (it’s basically a huge warehouse that sells products in bulk to representatives of businesses etc.)
The journey wasn’t exactly harmonious.
The short of it is that we ended up taking a wrong turn, swearing profusely, cutting up three lanes of angry rush hour traffic and getting eyeballed by a creepy businessman at some traffic lights.
Okay, at this point I’m going to do a quick blame-shifting exercise: the trolleys at Costco are humungous (you could probably fit two of me in there, for crying out loud) and the back wheels don’t turn side-to-side so you’re basically throwing the thing around a corner and praying you don’t take out a nun or something.
This will be of import later on.
We went in and grabbed our complementary coffee/tea (cool, right?) and started to mooch.
On our right, there were flatscreen TVs, games consoles, mobile phones, all the flashy tech you could imagine.
On our left, there was a massive cabinet of expensive jewellery, some with rocks so big they looked fake.
And what did the mother say?
“OH MY GOD. LOOK. THEY HAVE VARIABLE VOLUME STORAGE!” and ran away to basically fangirl over glorified plastic boxes.
So I slid away to look at the books, and was disappointed. Nothing but airport fiction. I did see a pair of gorgeous black Levi’s but they didn’t have my size (me cries.)
Upon meeting up with the motherbird again, we went up to the foodstuffs section, and this is where I renewed my daily tradition of horrifically embarrassing myself.
My first mistake?
I offered to push the trolley.
Bad, bad idea.
So I was trundling along, and we found ourselves in a long stretch of empty aisle.
I don’t know about any of you, but I cannot restrain myself in these situations.
I slowly backed up to the end of the aisle and psyched myself up.
Then, I ran full pelt for a few feet, jumping onto the back of the trolley and flying at hyperspeed down the aisle.
Just before the end I leaped off and pulled the trolley to a halt, giggling like an idiot.
And then I looked behind me.
Three shop employees were staring after me, a mix of confusion and utter bewilderment on their faces.
I just grinned and ran off. Well, as fast as you can run with a trolley laden with enough ground coffee and peanut butter to last a couple of decades.
We carried on having a browse (ducking behind nearby crates when one of the employees materialised who beared witness to my trolley land-speed record) and stocked up on enough everything to survive a few apocalypses and then some.
At one point, I got a little over-zealous with my trolley-handling and I didn’t bother to look when I turned a corner.
I literally came about a centimetre away from full-on mowing down a child. He looked about six and I think I may have inadvertently made him shit his pants.
Oh, did I mention that my evade-making-child-pâté manoeuvre involved off-roading onto an empty crate, almost capsizing my overloaded trolley and nearly T-boning a little old lady carrying an industrial sized pack of napkins?
I managed to get out of the place without killing myself/anyone else thankfully.
The only things I gained from the experience were chicken noodles and an affirmation of my dorkishness.
I’m essentially disaster-on-legs.
At least it makes a good (ish) blog post though.
I regret nothing.
Izaezel: wreaking havoc on wholesale supermarket chains since 1997
Quick sidenotes: I ended up deleting the last post I published (The ‘Proactive’ Summer) because it sounded plain stupid. Sorry for any glitchiness that may have occurred because of that.
Aaaand a superquick THANK-YOU. My follower count has shot up by about 25 in less that two weeks (that may sound pitiful to some of you luminaries of the blogosphere, but it’s all proportional). For me it’s pretty crazy that y’all would want to read my rants/ramblings/the crap that spouts out of my brain, so it means a lot. In other words: you’re marvellous ❤