So, this is the post you’ve all (not) been waiting for…
THE PREFECT WEEKEND POST
*BUHHH BUHHH BUUUUUUUUUHHHHHH*
HEALTH-WARNING: This post is helluh-long, so if you are in danger of:
- Needing to pee
- Getting peckish
- Becoming thirsty
- Getting bored
Then relieve your bladder, grab some nibbles and a beverage and put on your 3D glasses now (not all at once. That could be dangerous.)
Mega-essay over here.
Totally worth it though. I laughed at my own jokes.
Phase 1: THE PREP
So, I thought it was going to be the relatively simple task of just taking some old jogger trousers, old trainers and t shirts.
How wrong I was.
It was like a military operation in my household, my mum giving me torches, disinfectant, repellent, head-to-toe waterproofs, bin bags, safety glow sticks (wtf who even has them outside of Spy Kids) and all but a bloody grenade to protect myself against existence. If there was to be a viral outbreak or a zombie invasion, I was your gal.
Phase 2: THE JOURNEY
So it started off as I expected. We congregated in the school café before hauling our multitude of suitcases onto the coach (seriously though I could have probably had a goddamn party in some people’s bags – they were huge. How long are planning to stay? A fricking year?!)
I sat by two girls I vaguely knew and we decided to be in a tent together. Then we proceeded to debate whether butternut squashes are a fruit or a vegetable (any help here anyone…?!).
Phase 3: THE ACTIVITIES, DAY 1
We got there and pitched tents (ours looked a bit tipsy – we didn’t bother to check the ground to see if it was level. Oops.) Then we were split into 3 groups of 10, named after Harry Potter houses (I was in Slytherin WOOP)
So then we walked to a massive shipping container that had all the equipment in it (helmets, climbing harnesses) and began to get ready.
Now, young padawan, let me describe the scene for you.
These aforementioned harnesses are of the full-body type, so they go around your shoulders, over your back, like so:
If you look, they also go right up the inside leg of your crotch.
Now, we all did Sex Ed. We know that mannequin hasn’t got any junk if you know what I mean.
But, you see, the 17-year-old boys we were with?
You see what I’m getting at?
Harness + male anatomy = THE SINGLE-MOST AWKWARD THING I HAVE EVER HAD TO NOT LOOK AT.
One girl very eloquently summarised the situation later in the girls’ shower room: “You’re not looking, you know you can’t, you know you don’t want to. But it’s just there. Like… like the elephant trunk in the room.”
So anyway, the first activities were high ropes. I love heights, so I was like:
There were a load different things to do, like climb up a telegraph pole and balance on top of it, a team race up a Jacob’s ladder, a king swing…
It was great.
Apart from if you fell. Then all your weight is on the harness.
And man, that stung.
Here starts the real embarrassment.
Phase 3.5: THE SWAMP
After the high ropes, we were beckoned towards a rather suspicious looking rope swing.
That happened to be positioned over a swamp.
And then, rather casually, the instructors said: “Okay, now you have to get your team of ten people across the swamp onto a tractor tire in the middle.”
Commonly translated into normal speak as: “Okay, now magically transform all of your physically inept teammates into Neo from The Matrix and double backflip onto this platform the size of a two pence piece in the middle of this swamp infested with crocodiles and flesh-eating piranhas.”
So naturally, I was like:
And, in-keeping with Sod’s Law, my group was picked first.
We got about seven people on fine.
Then it was my turn. I swung on and so very nearly slipped.
After a bit of hasty grabbing of limbs, we were all intact apart from a foot-dunk in the drink.
At this point, we were all holding onto each other for dear life, and I definitely felt a hand on my boob.
And if I hadn’t been at risk of falling into a stinking swamp, I would’ve been like:
But I saw it as a proportional sacrifice.
Plus the guy was pretty hot as well so that ameliorates the situation
So then there were eight.
Aaaand that’s when the ninth came in (literally) like a fricking wrecking ball.
We all fell, in true cartoon fashion, into the swamp.
And it stank.
I was literally like:
Oh, did I mention all of the other prefects and my teachers were watching?
Our team all had to go and shower in our clothes.
The rest of the evening was better, though.
A lot of people went down to the pub to watch the England game, but I and about six other people stayed and set a campfire, made smores and played card games for a few hours.
That was probably the highlight of the trip.
After everyone came back, we played Boys v Girls Capture The Flag (we won because we tied our flag to the rope swing over the swamp) and finally hit the sack around 1am.
Phase 4: THE ACTIVITIES, DAY 2
We all found out something new that morning: a result of using muscles you didn’t know existed + sleeping on rock solid ground =
We had breakfast, packed up tents and shiz and began the morning activities: problem solving.
It basically comprised of things like using beams to get across a ‘flaming lava pit’ (i.e. a square of grass), and a blind-folded obstacle course.
It was okay.
I think I was probably too tired to pay much attention or summon up a damn to give.
Then we packed up on the coach and went to another facility to do raft building.
I really was not looking forward to this.
We basically had to make something that would hold 5 people with nothing but 6 wooden planks, 6 oil barrels and some rope.
We took the advice of our instructor, naturally.
Our team’s looked alright until we got it on the lake.
Well, unless a raft should sit at a 45º angle on the water.
What’s worse is that the instructor that told us to do it like we had was travelling next to us on a fricking speedboat.
So by the time we got to the middle of the lake, most of the team were like:
But we all just jumped in the lake anyway, so it didn’t really matter in the end.
We then sunbathed for a while before getting picked up, and I literally collapsed after I got home.
I’m pretty sure I died and came back.
Aaaaaand THAT is all folks.
If you’ve reached this point, I am:
- Grateful, and
- will pay you back in cookies and gifs.
Hope you enjoyed!
IZAEZEL HAS LEFT THE BUILDING